Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A Woman's Guide to Surviving Football Season

The leaves are starting to fall, the weather is getting colder, the stores have taken out all the stuff for summer and have started throwing out items for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and we know what that means, right ladies? That’s right, FOOTBALL!

Now, while there are a slim majority of women out there who like or at least understand the fundamentals of the game (I am one of those who understand the basics but just am not a fan), there are other women who know absolutely nothing about football or the etiquette that comes with it. If you value your relationship with your man, there are a few rules that everyone woman should know. On the other hand, if you want to test to see how strong your relationship is, by all means, wait until the game is tied with seconds left, your guys team has the ball and are about to go for a field goal, and come in, take the remote, turn the television off, and ask to talk about your feelings or ask for snuggle time. Now, I am no expert on relationships, but I can guarantee you, it won’t last past that moment unless the remote is handed back immediately and you make yourself disappear…so without further ado, I present…

A Woman’s Guide to Surviving Football Season

Rule 1 – Sundays, Monday nights, and some Thursday nights are when games are played. If you want to make plans those days, make them for just yourself. It is an unwritten rule that these days and times are for men to sit on the couch, drinking beer, eating whatever you have in the house, while staring at a screen the entire time, and randomly switching back and forth between games. If you try to make plans or break their schedule in any ways, the backlash you may get will not be pretty.

Rule 2 – Have plenty of food and drinks in the house and available. Now, I don’t by far believe that it is a woman’s job to have to do anything. In our house, courtesy is used. If one of us is going to the kitchen for something, we will ask the other if they would like something. This will not be the case when games are on.

Have a coffee table (or larger table for the bigger groups) set up with snack foods such as chips, dips, pizza, or a full blown buffet, whatever you choose, because it seems that during this time, after such a long hibernation from their beloved football, these men are hungry and seemingly have bottomless stomaches. Also, have a wide variety of sodas, water, or just turn your dining room into an open bar (if your other half hasn’t done that already in preparation for this season).

Rule 3 – Discussion during this time is not recommended. They are in their zone. Any kind of coherent answers from them are unlikely. I will add as a side note, questions that require short answers are okay here. For example, “Honey, I was thinking about going out and buying a new wardrobe, is that alright with you?”
If his team is winning or about to score, you are guaranteed to get a positive answer. More than likely it will be a “whatever, mmhmm, or just an affirmative nod”, in which case, shop like there is no tomorrow.

Do however pay attention to the score, because if his team is losing, he will catch this trick question, and most likely fight with you during the commercial breaks. These fights can take hours depending on how many games he is watching in ratio to commercials.

Rule 4 – Do not sit and ask questions about the game. Guys seem to get annoyed with questions such as, “are those two guys gay?” and when he answers no, you then start asking about why they are touching each others butts or other regions of the body. He also will be irritated if you ask them to explain the entire game to you while he is watching the game. That is what baseball season is for. Your best bet is to find something more constructive to do during this time.

Rule 5 – Don’t wait until game time to ask him to do something menial such as taking out the trash, changing the baby, or replacing the entire roof because you think it might possibly have a leak. Whether his team is winning or losing, he will not be dragging his butt of that chair to do whatever it is you have asked him to do. Schedule chores according to games, you can find it through any major NFL site. If it is that important of a job, it’s just easier to do it yourself. Saves you from the attitude and possible fight that may happen after the games are over.

Rule 6 – Don’t pull the old lingerie trick on him. During this time, he eat, sleeps, and breathes football. If you walk out in a negligee and stand in front of the television, the only thing he’s going to notice is that you are in his way. You might as well save yourself the hurt and rejection. You would stand a better chance coming in the room, in full football gear (cleats and black lines under your eyes included) and yelling “Are you ready for some football??” You will make him smile, and gain a few brownie points which you may use a later time at your discretion.

Rule 7 – Kids. Unless your child is older and has a love for football, then kids and football don’t mix. And this is for two reasons. The first being that kids love to run in front of the television, they will overindulge themselves on the snacks and sodas (trust me, the hubby is not paying attention), and will then begin carrying on even louder than before (ah sugar, got to love it). This too may cause an angry backlash, with claims of you not watching YOUR children while the game is going on. That aside, the second reason, unless you want your child to pickup behaviors, like say, the “pull my finger game”, your best choice would be to remove your children from this group of behaviorally challenged men and find something better for them to do.

So there it is ladies. A basic and simple way to make your household more tolerable for the fifth season known as football.

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