Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Humor and Feeling Sexy

Okay, so I'm browsing the web today, as I do everyday, and I come across an article called "40 Ways That Will Definitely Put You in the Mood for Sex." I normally just brush these things off and go on about my business but anything that will "definitely" do something for me must be true, right? I found this list a bit on the humorous side and thought I would share some of these "ways" with you gals. Hopefully, by the time you get to the end of this post, you will still have some sort of composure left in you. I know it was hard for me to even write this...

  • Take a hot bath. Then slip on a silky robe -  For anyone who has read my bath time story, this definitely does NOT make me feel sexy. I am not one who does a hot bath the correct way. I start off freezing cold while waiting for the water to fill the tub, I get impatient and jump into the tub. As my body adjusts to the water, it doesn't feel hot enough and by the time the tub is filled, I am sweating my ass off.  There is nothing sexy about this 
  • Shave your legs - I don't know about you all, but shaving my legs in water while I am sweating my ass off doesn't seem sexy to me either. It's more of a chore. Not only am I burning up but I am also guaranteed a few nicks followed by profuse bleeding that seems like it will never stop. Coming out of the bathroom with bits of toilet paper stuck to your leg does not equal sexy.
  • Get a Brazilian bikini wax - Oh yeah baby, talk dirty to me. Nothing like having your pubes ripped out with wax, followed by a burning feeling and swollen "goodies" to get your night going. 
  • Bright Red Lipstick works like a charm - Yeah, if it's your color. In my case, I look like a damn hooker/clown. Red is a horrible color on me. Enough said.
  • Think about sex. Stuck in traffic or in line at the grocery store... - I am not going to finish what they wrote here, because as soon as I got the two options on where I should think about sex, I laughed at loud. I will be honest, when I am stuck in any kind of line, normally my thoughts are turned to stabby thoughts towards anyone in front of me.  I can get pretty irate over stupid drivers, even when I am not the one driving. Once again, stabby does NOT equal sexy. 
  • Rock high heels and a short skirt. Just because. - This would just be another trip to the ER for me. (go back to blogs in September where I fell down the stairs, I was wearing flip flops when it happened.) The only thing I would be rockin' would be a broken ankle. Oooo a pink cast, how hot is that?
  • Sign up for a pole dancing class or cardio strip-tease class, practice makes perfect. -  See above post for the pole dancing class. All I can see is me, ER, neck brace. PASS. As for the cardio strip tease class, I don't dance naked for myself, why would I join a class to do it? If self-consciousness is sexy, then I guess it would work. 
These people should not have given this list the title that they did. Nothing about this list would "definitely" make me feel sexy. If I were to do even half of this list, Mr. Husband would have a whole lot to say and I would have another new blog to post. Hey wait, maybe.....

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