Friday, December 14, 2012

Cosmopolitan Makes Me Laugh

I just caught up on all my back issues of Cosmopolitan. I admit, I have a few magazines I get that I love to read through. I love the fashion in them even though I am not built to wear any of the clothing they show. As a forty year old housewife, I will never be a size small enough for what they put in those magazines, no matter how much weight I lose. Face it, after a certain age, your body never loses weight where you want it to. I started walking on a pretty regular basis in hopes of losing some of my stomach and where does the weight come off first? My boobs of course. Makes perfect sense to me. (insert eye roll) Anyways, I was reading the Dec 2011 issue of Cosmo and came across "100 Best Sex Tips of the Year" and I was all excited, thinking I was going to learn something new possibly. Not so much. I laughed through most of these and thought I would share a few of my favorites and why they could never apply to me...

  • Flash him when he opens the car door for you - Is this truly a good idea at any age? Not only would I risk him seeing my hoo-ha but anyone else who might be walking by. Besides this trick only works for the famous, isn't that right Lindsay?
  • Abuse the backseat of your vehicle - Yeah this is a good idea when you are 18, unable to find place to have sex with your partner, and don't mind being caught and hauled off to jail. As an out of shape house wife who only stands at 5'6 with a husband who is 6'2, the idea of squeezing into the back of a compact car is not an ideal sex scene I would plan. Not that it matters, our car doesn't have a back seat anyways.
  • Christen someone else's bed - Let me start off by saying a big YUCK here. Not only is that disrespectful, but at least I know what's been done in my sheets. Nothing screams the opposite of sexy like the idea of sliding into someone else's bed/sheets to sneak a quickie in. I certainly don't want to know what is in their sheets, why would I want to lay on them?
  • Keep your standards high; a study revealed you're more likely to O with a hottie -At my age, who can afford to keep high standards? HA!
  • Have a naked pillow fight - Mr. Hubby would cremate me and it wouldn't be in a sexy way. We can both be a bit competitive and one good hit from him would knock me clean off the bed. Nothing about bruised ribs says sex tip to me, unless you are into that kind of kink. Oh, I could write a really bad story about it and call it "Fifty Shades of Ouch".
  • Put on the condom with your mouth - 2 words for ya here, "Latex Allergy" PASS!
  • In an essay for GQ, Kelly Oxford swore sex bartering injects the hot. Try this: You do the laundry; he buys you a new vibe and uses it on you. -  At the rate I do laundry, there is not enough vibes in this world for him to buy me. And when I want a new vibe, I just buy one myself. No one knows what I like more than I do, it's just easier that way.
I couldn't help but laugh at quite a few of these. On the other side of things, my hubby has found humor in using the term "pop it like it's hot." He crawls over me to get on or off the bed and will freeze half way, pop his hips up and down, and then asks me if I think it's sexy. Yeah, um not so much. He's even got his mom to do it a time or two. They make laugh =)

How are things with you all?

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