Friday, July 18, 2014

Shit Mr. Husband Says...

The last week or so, my crohn's has been kicking my ass. I haven't had a days rest from it at all, I wake up in pain, I go to sleep in pain. So, I wake up this morning to the phone ringing and Mr. Husband having a conversation about losing his health care unless he gives them all this information, which we figure is just a scam to get your personal info. He hangs up on them and then turns his attention to me. He asks if I am feeling any better, and I tell him no. And this is where it starts to get interesting...

He has decided he can heal me of my pain, using several methods of training he has had. 

Mr. H - "I can heal you, I got my degree online."
Me - "No, you didn't get a degree online"
Mr. H - "I did, just a few minutes ago."
Me - "Okay, whatever you say."
Mr. H - "We will start off with some Earth chanting."

He proceeds to place his hand on my stomach, his finger in my belly button and begins humming and chanting in a low monk like manner.

Mr. H - "Ohmmmmmmm, ohmmmmmm, *insert deep growling here*, ohm, woooooow, ohm *goes on for a few moments*
Mr. H - "Is it working, do you feel the healing powers working against the disease?"
Me - "Um, no. Still in pain." 
(insert more odd noises here)
Me - "Can you stop pressing on my stomach like that, it isn't helping the pain."
Mr. H - "I'm sorry, I am not meaning to hurt you, but don't worry, I am not done yet!"

He begins talking in a southern accent, places his hand on my forehead, and raises his voice a few octaves...

Mr. H - "Out with thee devil, get out of my wife's body, this disease will no longer consume her!" 
Mr. H - "I SAID OUT WITH THEE DEVIL, remove yourself from this body, you are not welcome here.
Mr. H - "Are you feeling any better? That should have worked."
Me - "Nope, I am still hurting."

At this point, he decides to get deeply religious and begins speaking in tongues.

Mr. H - "I said out with thee devil, get out, get out now, "hummmmm ooh ee ooh ah ah, ting tang wally wally bing bang, rama lama ding dong, in the name of malamars, get out of my wife. Demon begone!" (this goes on for a few minutes)
Me - "Still not helping"
Mr. H - "That's because you don't believe, B A H L E A V E, you have to bahhh leave"
Me - "Oh I believe alright."
Mr. H - "Why do I note sarcasm in your voice?"
Me - "Probably because I was being sarcastic."
Mr. H - Well, if you don't bahhh leave, it just isn't going to work." I have one more method that we can try, it involves me grabbing your butt and bringing it out the opening of said butt.

He then grabs my ass and tries to stick his finger into my ass crack, wedging my pajama bottoms in there.

Me -"You gave me a wedgie you ass, and oh no you don't. Stop right now"
Mr. H - "This will work for sure, it will come right out of your ass and you will be healed."
Me - "Please remove your finger from my butt area and stop making me laugh, it hurts more when I do."
Mr. H - "But this is guaranteed to work!"
Me- "Nope, not going there, stop it now."
Mr. H - *sighs* "Well I tried, but you are just being difficult. Of course nothing is going to work, you won't let it."

Needless to say, I am still in pain and away from him. I couldn't take anymore healing attempts from him. Anyone else have a husband that does shit like this, or is it just me?? Please tell I am not alone.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Ugh..should say: In his defense, a lil anal action is known to help get the bowls flowing ;)
      Stupid blogger wouldn't let me delete or edit my comment...fucker!

  2. I feel that the whole butt part was slightly exaggerated. If you would of just B A H L E A V E D in my Feng Shei healing powers that I got a from my Bachelors degree from the universtit of feng shei online. You would be pain free right now.